I'm not really sure how to start this. We know that this isn't really like keeping a diary, it's more of an online counsellor where we come to spill our troubles. However I know from experiance that talking to someone can help you so much, if you cant do that then write down what is wrong. Sometimes when it's before you, you can more easily sort your confusions.
Funny; i once told a girl i cared about so much that if she had problems (and she has many) she should talk to me about them, because i wanted to help. I told her instead of punching that wall with anger, she should sit down, breathe slowly and if needed, write down what was troubling her and any possible solutions. Ironic perhaps; that this same person and her new love are the only cause of confusion and unhappiness in my life nowadays. There was a "confrontation" last night between her new boyfriend and me; i said something on a Facebook post of hers that was honestly meant in good humour and he picked me up on it and began accusing me of various things.
I think at this point i need to stop and; attempt to the best of my ability to explain me. How i am, how i see.
I am proud to say i am a very optimistic person, i have always had the ability to see the good side of any situation. For example; my girlfriend whom i loved very much dumped me, this tore me apart for weeks. But my friends told me they were suprised how fast i got over her, i know how i did it. I told myself the truth, however much my instinct was to weep and weep and beg to have her back with me, it was better without her. If she hadn't ended it; we would have been living a lie, and wouldn't have been any happier. I knew that missing something you can't have is pointless and i believe that sorrow and unhappiness are a waste of time, this is how i got over her faster even though honestly it was not fun or easy. My second example is when my Grandad died; another very sad occasion that upset me. However, wherever he is or isn't, he's not in pain any more.
I also believe that everyone should attempt to be nice to everyone else around them no matter the circumstances. I know that getting angry with someone will never help the situation, and violence isn't the answer. This enables me to pull off something else i am proud of, and i wish everyone could do; if somebody is insulting me or offending me, it doesn't work. I can safely say with evidence that you cannot offend me, because i just think about how pathetic that person is, and remember that aggression of word or fist is not a solution. I always respond calmly.
This leads me back to my confrontation; he picked me up on something i'd said. Now something else about me is i am is very self-critical and neutral; meaning if someone says i have been cocky or elitist i honestly step back and consider this instead of retorting angrily. Our confrontation last night was a back and forth... discussion, to him it was probably an argument but i know that i was calm throughout so to me it was merely a discussion which I ended by telling him the truth; that i do not hate him in any small way. This is something that he is surely very lucky to have? He took my girlfriend from me and always attacks everything i do; yet i do not hold anything agaisnt him. I ended by also saying that i would at anytime be prepared to shake his hand and forget our differences. He told me to "get my head out the clouds". In the course of this discussion he talked angrily and swore a few times. I did neither of those.
HOWEVER, this is where my critical side comes in, the last paragraph may sound cocky or one sided, but i am very very aware that he could be justified in his accusations. I think that everything about me i have told you could be taken the wrong way and anyone could claim that i think i am better then everyone.
This is what he claims, that i am arrogant and elitist. If this is the impression i give this will sadden me deeply because i know that this is the complete opposite of what i think and believe in. Unfortunatly you have only my word to take for that, and i know there are some like him who will not. But i do not call him prejudiced, i am only saddened that he does not understand me how i would like him too. In all honesty i do not think many people understand me. In fact the person who might do isn't really a well known friend at all, we merely talk occasionally when some event brings us together. But i refused to hold a grudge agaisnt her when my best friends were telling me too because it goes agaisnt what i believe is right, i know you should stand with your friends and defend them but i will not hate someone for them. I think this person understood me the best because in their unfortunate circumstance i was able to show how i think. They told me once:
"
You are one of the nicest people I have ever met. I don't want to sound patronising but you're really wise and it kinda surprised me when I first got to know you! I really respect your views and how you treat other people. You're really genuine and selfless and you don't see that a lot with people. :)"
This is maybe the only time that anyone has told me this, and its all i've ever wanted to hear to be honest, it proves that at least one person knows me how i see myself. Thank you.
I was lying in bed last night after the confrontation; and i thought in one of those moments, i could see.. now this may sound strange but i speak honestly, i could see why people need religion.
Because i do not believe in a God, or a Heaven, or consequences if we're bad. I have no purpose to attempt to be kind to everyone and to not be aggressive or selfish, i'm not trying to go to Heaven (although it is said that those who attempt to get to heaven go to hell because they are selfish or something). Sometimes i wish i had a purpose, that there could be a god and i am working towards some greater good. But i do not believe this, so my attitude to life is not based on anything. But it is what i believe is the right thing to do. There is no-one to judge what is right or wrong, this is just what i think. In the end, we are all responsible for ourselves and others. God or not we decide our fate. I watched the new Karate Kid film today, some good moral messages there. "Sometimes life will throw you down, it is up to you whether you get back up or not". Another favourite of mine is from Batman Begins: "Why do we fall? so we can learn to pick ourselves up". I think this is true, unfortunatly it is inevitable that in our lives we may have to fight and we WILL fall at some point. But it is only up to us to ensure we fight for the right reasons, and that we do get back up. Anything is possible if you have faith in yourself, sometimes it is the only thing left to have faith in, but it is the most important thing to believe.
I think this concludes my thoughts for today.
Life is too short to waste on negative thoughts and feelings.
Song of the day:
"Because the judge of you is someone i could never be,
S'why you should thank the lord that it is him and it's not me,
But don't give up it's not the end,
There's hope for every fallen man,
To pick themselves up when they think they can't,
Cos with every passing second comes a second chance."
** Hope for every fallen man [Acoustic] -- Relient K **
